i really need to get a blogspot account.

... i'm stressed.

i'm supposed to enroll in classes next monday.

damn, i'm scared.

i think i'm gonna go through with my proposed major; international studies-economics. i just have to send the official documents to UCSD. Soon I hope.

Attention all cute boys: Here is a boyfriend application for moi. Don't be shy, fill it out.

HAHA.

By the way, I'm just kidding... don't feel obligated to flatter me in your answers =P

1. Your Name:

2. Age:

3. Fave Color:

4. Are you a virgin?

5. Are we friends?

6. Do you have a crush on me?

7. Would you kiss me?

8. ...with tongue?

9. Would you enjoy it?

10. Would you ever ask me out?

11.Would you make a move on me in a movie theater?

12. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?

13. Do you want to tell me something that you couldn't before?

14.Would you walk on the beach with me?

15. If you heard a rumor about me, would you defend me?

16. Do you/have you talk crap about me?

17. Do you think I'm a good person?

18. Would you let me sleep with you (in the same bed)?

19.Do you think I'm hot?

20. If you could change anything about me -would you?

21.Would you have sex with me? [if yes, go away]

22.Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?

23. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

24. what do you rate me outta 1-10??

25. phone number( ) -

Lame.

ila;glkajGAH

I don't know. I really don't know. I can't stop thinking, regretting, and something else with an "ing". Right now it feels like I'm a reject, which is true. I mean I've finally failed at something; I got rejected from my dream college. The sad part is that I don't feel like I deserved to be rejected. Sure, I'm not the best and certainly not the genius every school fights over, but I mean damn it I'm worthy! Sure, I appreciated UCSD for that brief moment when I almost failed AP Chem, but that was just it... I was ready to fail that class because I knew where I was going to end up. It's not like I'm going anywhere big. I sound like such a whiny, ungrateful bitch for even bringing this up in my thoughts again but I can't get over it! Like why? Why did the ones I know get accepted? I'm not being cocky, I know them, I know who they are, I've gone to school with these kids and I know I'm more academically inclined than some of them. Is it my fault that I wasn't given tragic obstacles to face in life just yet? Did I need to develop some sort of disability in life? Would that have made the difference and made me sound that much more impressive? Why wasn't I chosen? Damn it I know I'm good enough. Really, I should be grateful for even getting accepted to an honorable university, but it's not the same. I didn't just waste my effort trying to look good on paper to be denied. Seriously, why? I just can't answer it. Maybe if everyone that was accepted to the school of my dreams were better than me then I'd shut up... but no! They're not!

Another school year will start in September and so will the rest of my life. I'm supposed to be overwhelmed with excitement but all I feel is disappointment. I'll have to live with the fact that someone out there is living my dream.

BLAH. This world just makes me so angry.

... I don't know, I'm angry. Again.

It feels so pathetic.

I actually don't have anything significant to write/blog about as of now... to be quite honest I haven't had anything worth writing/blogging about.

... Again, my mind draws a blank.  I am no more the angsty, pseudo-intellectual, pseudo-philosophical teenager I once was I guess.

Anyway, I just felt like updating because listening to folk music and taking polaroid shots sparks up some false sense of creativity apparently. So here I am.

Graduation. Big sigh. It has happened. What now? Freedom?

Being the oblivious person that I am I have now only realized the impact of all this; the future. In the future I see no more old friends, endless unwanted responsibilities, heart-ache... real heart-ache, troubles beyond my imagination, possibilities beyond my imagination, and a world filled with conniving and friendly strangers alike. It's comforting how strangers in theory, at least in my perspective, are just family waiting to be found... but really that's a lie. Just like my parents used to tell me when I was younger; they are dangerous. I see it that way now; I guess that's part of finally being an adult... realizing that strangers and so-called adventures or spontaneous living is not ideal. It's sad, but I must now become a cookie-cutter human being who is fully aware of reality; no longer oblivious. I'm gonna miss my days of being oblivious. I guess let's just hope I'm still lost in this worldand that whatever I have just said and proven wrong to myself is all wrong indeed. There's a greater, brighter world out there. I still believe that... or should I? I smell food downstairs... must go now. Hunger. Ouch.

Any words of wisdom?

I've finally realized what my real problem is.

I think I'm too good for everyone. All the time. Always. Even when I don't need to be that way. I just do it. Unconciously. It has consumed me; that very state-of-mind. I hate it.

Seriously, I think the reason why I haven't and will never find true love is that I think I'm too good for everyone. I'll never find that soul mate everyone finds sometime in their life because he obviously won't ever exist. I think I'm too good for everyone so no one can ever live up to that. Such a person will never be born or even inhabit this earth to satisfy me and make me happy because I'm always going to end up thinking that I'm too good for them. It always ends up the same way. I start to develop feelings for someone but somewhere down the line before I actually have the guts to spill my heart out... I think "oh, i'm not sure about this" and I find something wrong with that person. Funny, I used to think it was because I was afraid of commitment, which is true I can't lie but it's really not the case. I'm a loser who thinks too highly of herself and ends up pushing everyone else that's better away. Yeah, I'm pretty lame. I wish I had the ability to connect with others. But I really can't. I'm a robot; I lack emotion. Tears? Yeah, what's that? Smile? Please, mine's so fake.

Yeah, sure it should be easy to fix this. I'll just drop all my ego and uh start fresh. Still, I can't do that. I really don't know why, I've been trying for a while now surely but it hasn't worked out. I hope it works out soon because I think I've already met that person I'm supposed to meet. That particular one you're really meant to meet... the reason for meeting everyone else along the way, so you can  meet that one particular person.

Shoot me. I'm hopeless.. gaaaaaah.